Today
is Thursday, beautiful, wonderful Thursday in May. I woke up this
morning and felt the urge to nurture my beloved. How good do I feel
after I gave her a peppermint foot massage. And I hope she feels nice
and relaxed from it too. I gave myself a tarot reading and without
going into grave detail about it, the reading suggested that I strive
for self-love and being in the moment, with the past behind I am free
to enjoy what comes my way. The affirmation for the two of cups tarot
is: “love flows into my life in an endless stream.” I did all
that in the morning, tarot and really soaking on what it means to be
in the present.
I
have not checked in sense mother's day, because I neglected my daily
ritual of typing on Libreoffice. Basically, after I gave Ashley a
minty foot massage I went on a much needed walk with Shannon (friend)
and Rudi (dog). It is so nice being friends with a mother that does
not have all her shit together, she is at the mercy of uncertainty as
am I -- it's actually
calming. But I really should
not
judge her uncertainty, for
all I know things are really certain in her life. Needless to say the
walk in nature grounds us both, and I was so grateful she wanted to
go on an a.m. walk. Any who, back to the now and what else I am
thinking, I am thinking how addicted
I am to thinking and I just learned that you can actually be addicted
to thinking. This whole time I thought they were feelings. And where
I was going with that was that I take everything so personal and it's
insane.
That
is why I sought out therapy yesterday, more specifically EMDR (eye
movement desensitization reprocessing), I know it sounds like
Scientology or alien technology, and to be honest I have not started
it yet. You have to give a brief introduction to a certified EmDR
therapist first about traumatic situations that have happened to you
in the first session.
And I found out about this new therapy from Ashley. She highly
recommend it, and she's done it with a professional too. It is
suppose to help with confidence and PTSD too, which I have but
un-diagnosed. I met with two therapist yesterday, one could say I was
therapist shopping and fate had it's way and gave me a great one
named: Jackie. I think female therapists
are the best bet for me right now. Anyways, Jackie wants to help me
process loosing my mom with EMDR therapy. I am so excited that I made
the effort to seek help, I feel it takes courage to seek professional
help, and admitting you need help is extremely humbling.
So
I am looking forward to seeing where this therapy technique takes me.
On another note, my brother called earlier today and wants to do
lunch, he's in the 12-steps of recovery program and wants to make
amends. I tried doing the steps myself and always seem to get stuck
around 7 & 8 steps. The 8th
step in the program is about making amends to yourself and others. If
that sounds broad that's because it is. As my sponsor so delicately
put it: “you're setting the record straight with those you have
resentments towards.” In my observation easier said than done, but
everyone raves about how healing it is. There's some karmic elements
involved with making amends, think of the TV show: “My Name is
Earl.” But yea I'm intrigue
what Kevin has to say about it all, I can taste the awkwardness, and
I need to try hard to not pre-judge the situation and stay in the
moment. So I meditated at noon and focused on breath 'in and out.' That is what I am aspiring to achieve, non-judemental- calmness in all situations.
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